Things You Wish You’d Known Before You Got Divorced

Nobody goes into a divorce thinking that it is going to be an easy process. But because it’s not something that we’ve usually practised, we’re prone to mistakes. There are a host of frequently made mistakes. And they’re often made during the heat of proceedings, which is the worst possible time.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course. And so there is plenty of advice from people who have got divorced on what not to do. Here’s just some of it.

Your Kids Won’t Tell You How They Feel

Things You Wish You'd Known Before You Got Divorced

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One of the sad things about the way we interact as families is that we tend not to practice expressing ourselves. And when it comes to divorce, expressing ourselves gets harder. That’s why kids are rarely able to communicate with you about how they feel about a divorce verbally. It’s not something that has ever been modelled for them.

Those who have been through divorce say that kids express how they feel through what they do. That could mean skipping school, drinking and self-harm. Parents tend to underestimate the importance of the marital relationship to their children. They tend to compartmentalize their individual relationships with their children. And they see these relationships as the important ones. But to the child, the family unit is the relevant entity. And this is what they desperately want to protect during a divorce, but can’t.

Go Sleuthing

About two-fifths of divorce proceedings are related to financial matters. That means that it’s a very good idea to get clued up about what assets remain within the marriage before you visit a divorce lawyer. You should have access to all online passwords as well as all account information. That includes account numbers, where any money is invested and any which accounts have automatic payments.

You’re Not A Failure

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Many people report that after experiencing a breakup, they feel like a failure. After all, divorce isn’t something that people really did very often until the last fifty years.

But divorce doesn’t necessarily say anything about you at all. It could be that the reasons for your divorce we external. Perhaps you never realized what your partner was like, despite all the opportunities you had beforehand. Or maybe you couldn’t have anticipated that their behaviour would change, only realising when it was too late.

Often people can get into the habit of believing that their divorces define who they are. They get into a habit of thinking that they make for an incompetent lover, wife or husband. They often forget that it’s not always about them.

The Holidays Will Be Harder

When you’re working hard, you’re often so focused on the task at hand that other issues, like your recent divorce, are at the back of your mind. But come holiday time, and this can all change.

Holidays used to be a time when the kids were at home and the whole family was together. But being in an empty house during the holidays is hard. And it reminds you of the loss of the family unit. Make plans to be busy during the holidays to avoid that sense of loss.

 

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