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We’re not going to pretend divorce is like sailing calm waters. Oh no. Navigating divorce is more like trying to cross the Atlantic in a sailboat with a hole in the hull during hurricane season. Basically, it is about as far from easy as anyone can expect. But that is part of it. No one really knows what to expect. After all, there isn’t a guidebook or a walkthrough that tells you exactly what to expect, when to expect or even how to act or feel or anything. It is a completely unique situation, and that means it is what you make of it.
Yeah, it doesn’t to be brutal and toxic and bitter and horrid. It can be amicable. It can be two adults making adult decisions and making those decisions with everyone’s best interests in mind. This kind of approach makes total sense if you have children that could be caught in the crossfire because positive co-parenting is essential for their emotional well-being. But even if it is a clean cut, with no children to worry about, going your separate ways as peacefully and amicably as possible has huge benefits; there won’t be an expensive and ugly slugging match in court for example.
That’s why we have come up with a few tips to help you end this chapter of your life with a truce. Call this your guidebook, if you will.
Don’t Forget That You Also Danced
Most divorce battles become a competition of who did what, which will not be of any help to anyone. It may not be easy, but the best way to keep the peace is to turn the spotlight on yourself and start understanding what your role was in all of this. After all, you were one-half of your marriage and you are one-half of the divorce. Sure, it is easier to keep shouting, “it was all their fault”, but the truth is, it wasn’t. You danced the dance too. You were also a big part of how you ended up here, so take responsibility for that. Don’t play the victim, own your participation; the more you do this the easier you will find it to move forward and move forward peacefully.
If You Want Peace Then Choose Peace
Divorce comes with plenty of options. You don’t have to lawyer up and do battle in a court of law. No, not by any means. It all depends on what your situation is and what you want out of it. You could try and sort your divorce out yourself, which is a nice idea but doesn’t always go as smoothly as you hope. Another option is to hire a mediator. You can see here for details on exactly what those are, but it is essentially a great way to achieve a less adversarial process. Or you could hire half a dozen professionals each and have them intervene through the process. There are just so many options, so always do your research, together if you can, and choose the option that will help you achieve the most peaceful outcome.
Let Go Of What You Know
Your relationship has changed. That’s a fact. So you need to let go of the one you remember; the one you use to have. It doesn’t matter if it was you who first said the divorce words or them; you need to let go. Allow yourself to grief and mourn and go through the motions. You need to understand the emotions you are feeling and take them on with purpose. This process is all about how you look at it; so instead of looking at your divorce as the end of everything, try and remember it is just the end of something. It’s not a failure either; it has just been a chapter in your life, one that has helped you learn a little more about life and a lot more about yourself. Not everything is meant to last forever. That is why it is so crucial that you are able to let go of what happened; it is the only way you will be able to clear your emotions and move in when you’re ready.
No More Blame Game
Pointing fingers, arguing, putting all the blame on the other person and refusing to accept there are two sides to every story will not help you split amicably. Playing the blame game will only add to the complexities, and will only make the whole process that much messier and that much more emotional. They won’t be good emotions either. There are two sides to the story. But that story is also over, and you want it to be over as quick as possible. So, like we said earlier, take ownership, swallow your pride and swap out hate-filled blame for more honest communication. Bitterness doesn’t feed peace, remember that.
Always Look At The Bigger Picture
In the not so distant future, you are going to be a divorcee. That means this whole chapter in your life is going to be behind you. It will all be a distant memory and you will be able to smile and laugh about it. If you are able to remember this then you will be able to achieve it. Close your eyes now and think about the last life-hurdle you had to leap over; it seemed impossible at the time, but now look at you. You came through it and you came out the other side stronger. This is what will happen again. If you have children, then think about the life you want. After all, you are going to be in each other’s lives for a long time to come – parent-teacher evenings, graduation, birthdays and wedding – and the last thing you’ll want to do is ruin these moments by being bitter enemies. You will never be best friends, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends or even just friendly.
Divorce is never going to be a Sunday morning walk in the park, but it can be amicable because that is a choice you make. Sure, you can’t control how your ex behaves during the process but you can rise above it, respond with peace in mind and conduct yourself to achieve a peaceful outcome. Trust us.
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